Leaning Into My Inner Boss by Ahjah Marie Johnson

Leaning Into My Inner Boss 

written by Ahjah Marie Johnson

Greetings fellow grads! My name is Ahjah Marie Johnson and I am a fourth (and final)  year doctoral candidate in the Student Affairs in Higher Education program. I am also the team captain for the blog series at the HWC. I come to this blog with a stream of thoughts not quite formed and with much uncertainty about my qualifications to talk about writing when I feel so out of practice. However, a minute before typing my first word, I realized that I’ve been writing continuously. Over the course of this academic year, I’ve ping ponged back and forth between job search preparation, fellowship applications, and more recently data collection. I’ve been writing memos and voice notes about my data.I’ve been writing cover letters and revising my materials continuously because every time I open Word it displays one of those squiggly lines to inform me of a new grammatical error it discovered while sleeping. And, I have been writing constructively as a consultant to assist other writers. So there, I’ve been writing; take that, self doubt! 

Just between you and me,  each stage of the job search has been a hurdle. I find myself asking ‘who am I’ and ‘if I am worthy of applying’, but the fact of the matter is every job appointment that I express interest in I am someone different than before; not totally a stranger, but not quite an established acquaintance either. And with this, I’ve written my cover letter 3,000 times - I’m joking (although it does feel this way). Thinking, reading, editing, and drafting are all part of the writing process that I’ve enacted as I prepare my materials for the academic job market. By December, I realized that I was editing as a form of procrastination. I am fearful of failure and imperfections and even though I know that writing isn’t perfect and failure happens, remembering in the moment can be tricky.

Sometimes, after defeating my insecurities, I find myself once again having to confront fear once more because I am afraid to press submit. Instead, I will find a new issue  to tackle to affirm my procrastination. So then I ask, why is submitting the cover letter so difficult? Why does it feel as though I’m not making any progress? 

My partner asked “what's worse: graduating and still actively applying or graduating knowing you never tried?”. With each posting, the requirements of the position,the audience I’m addressing, and the context of the employer varies. I’m writing persuasively to appeal to my audience while trying my best to silence my inner desperation that I’ve practiced for most of my academic career.  After countless days of pondering my inadequacy, I finally found success by introducing my fears to my inner boss-colleague-scholar.

I climbed over the iron gates and picket fences of imposter phenomenon, waded through the bushes of uncertainty, dodged this big dog named Busy Schedule and walked right up that door of my inner boss and rang the doorbell. When she answered, I introduced my inner boss to my fears. And you know what? She marched right past them as if they were nothing! As students, we exercise gratitude and hope to be recognized for our goodness, but what’s different is that my inner boss reminded me that I am good and that I can be confident because I am good. So, once again, I rolled up my sleeves to press submit not as a needy graduate student, but as an academic colleague-scholar-researcher- instructor who is worthy of the opportunity to pursue academia and receive equal pay to contribute quality scholarship.

Going into the second month of this year, I realize that putting so much energy in being afraid to press submit was preventing me from being productive in other areas. Essentially, we procrastinate for a reason. For me it’s because I feel inadequate which leads to avoidance and procrastination in the form of edits and organizing random drawers. Whether it’s getting started on a paper, checking your remaining funds, shooting your shot for a cool job, or finally opening that email to see if Dr. Whomever will be your committee chair, they can all cause us to feel inadequate in some area of our lives, but just know you’re not alone. 

Asking my inner boss for help has worked wonders for me in this great year of 2023. I’ve begun to see progress not just in my job application submissions, but also in data collection for my dissertation, budgeting, and so much more. 

I hope that in sharing this you too can conquer your inner self doubt and lean into your inner boss. 

You do know. You can do it. You are, and will continue to be, great. So, let’s get to writing!